Sometimes you wake up with puffy eyes ...

the kind you get from crying your eyes out all night, after a teenage romance falls apart. I did not cry ALL night, just for about 15 minutes while talking to my sister about my day. I had to drop my son at emergency day care since my nanny has a serious infection that has her laid up for  few days. It was the first time I had ever left him in a strange place with strangers and I spent the better part of the day worrying, taking advice on how best to cope and knowing intellectually that he was fine, that I was the child feeling left alone, not him. I picked him up at 5 pm, the appointed time, and yes, he was a little wild, disheveled and sleep deprived, but in one piece and did not want to leave! As I was packing him up, he fell. Not a little ooopsy fall, but went from standing and landed on his cheekbone on the edge of the cubbies. His face instantly blew up and went purple and red. I struggled to get out of the day care center to rapid inquiries (CYA) as to who was watching him when it happened. I WAS! A whole day of worrying and I was the problem! 

We rushed out onto 50th & 6th and of course there were no cabs at 5 pm ... there were a whole line of black cars waiting for the brokers from Lehman to come out and the dispatcher saw my panic and my son's face and marshaled a car.  The driver would not take any money as he discharged us at the pediatrician, so I had to force a $20 on him. Long story short, my little boy is horribly bruised, take a month to heal bruised, but nothing is broken. Except me, a little. I know these things happen, but last night, once he had gone to sleep, I called my sister and cried. Hard. Nose full of snot. Gasping for air. And now I have those eyes, the ones that say, I have not cried like that in years, only this time I know the heartbreak of seeing your son hurt will happen again and again, and I will have these eyes.