On being a full time mom

So due to my nanny having an injured back, I was a full time mom for the last two days. Of course the only way I have found time to reflect and blog on it, is that I am back to work today.

A couple of observations:

1) As I suspected, I am too type A to stay at home and not drive myself and my children crazy.

2) I can do many loads of laundry and yet the basket continues to self-fill, I swear!

3) There is no way that the SAHMs (Stay At Home Moms) sit around and eat bon-bons, I barely sat, let alone ate. Thank goodness our playdate yesterday came with a smart, lovely mother who brought sandwiches.

4) Max is delightful but reactionary; we need this age to pass.

5) I am delightful but reactionary; this ship has sailed.

Overall, it was empowering, challenging, exhausting and fun to be at home with the boys.

And boy, do I love this here desk ...

Home

Got in last night from Chicago where I attended a great conference. Charlie seems huge and I would know because I thought it would be a great idea to wake him when I got in at 10 pm. Silly mommy. He finally stopped crying around 11:45 pm and Max woke up at 5 am declaring that he was no longer tired and could he please have his light turned on and be provided a book. Um... really? Could I be anymore tired?

This afternoon our new nanny (who I love) took Charlie to his first solo music class while Max was in school. When she asked if she could make playdates with the other children, it took me time to process the fact that Charlie might like to have some friends of his own.

Poor second child with mad rhythm.

I am with you... you just put it better than I do xoxo

Now it can be told

We fired our nanny of 3.5 years. It was the right thing for Max and for our family. It feels so sad. I keep thinking about how she will have to go home to her two boys and share or hide from them that she does not have a job. We gave a large severance and will serve as a reference but I am so sad. I know in my intellectual compartment that this was the right thing, and hell, I know in my heart that what is right for Max it the first thing, always. She was graceful and sad. It was my husband's job to read the talking points I had written, I would have overcompensated.

Change is good. Change is hard.

Cloudy with chance of change ...

Blogging after a long while from aboard the red eye SFO to JFK.

I can't even really share what's going on until next week or so, save a few close friends, but we are once again on the cusp of change. No, I am not pregnant, or changing jobs, or getting divorced or moving (I think that covers most bases.) I am healthy and overall very lucky. But things are changing in a very important part of our life and I am NOT handling it well.

I've been on a great business trip to San Francisco, and when busy, have felt amazingly creative, empowered and really jazzed about my work. But when driving from meeting to meeting (boy I hate driving) the tough thoughts of the next week or so come crashing in and I feel violently insurmountable grief.

It reminds me of one of my most painful breakups as a young woman. Each morning I would awake in my dorm room and for fifteen or so seconds forget that the longtime love was over and then it would hit me in the gut, take my breath for a moment and the dark gray fog would engulf me.

As a grown woman who has so much to do other than wallow, the fog is now more like a passing cloud that covers the sun momentarily but leaves behind a chill. Like all things that are hard and involve deep change, this is going to get better and has the potential to be great for all of us.

I just need to manage the passing clouds a little bit better.