Day #9

So, I'm back in the fight to be healthy. It's really a no-brainer. Every other piece of my life is in place and then there is my health. So this is day 9 of my renewed focus on finally dropping the weight I gained over the course of two pregnancies. One has only to look at pictures of me from our vacation to South Africa to understand. It was weeks before I got pregnant with Max and no, I was not at triathlon ready shape, but I was healthy. That is easily 25 or so pounds from my current state.

I am energized and excited by the goal. But, I have also been here before. I have gotten 15 lbs away from this goal since Charlie was born and then found a reason to give up and gain again. Not this time. I need to make this part of my life again, fitness and eating right. 

They, whoever they are, say it takes 66 days to make a behavior become second nature, or a habit. This time, I am going to tweet and blog my way fit. I hope the public forum will lend a new added layer of accountability. Whatever works, it is time. I owe this gift to myself, and my little (and big) boys.


Weigh-in week 1: - 4.5 lbs

Business Travel

I have a moment or several hours as the case is, as I fly across the country to San Fran for business. I know I should spend this time writing, luxuriating, relishing my "me" time but tonight I am a little sad. I miss the boys a lot. 
I know I'll land and get in the zone, get my game face on and focus. But ...
Right now am watching "This Is It" the Michael Jackson movie, after a false start of the Time Traveler's Wife (which was just not as good as the book, even in the first 5 mins,) and feeling a little down.
My sister LOVED M.J. I remember that, as a child, she had this red leather zipper covered jacket and would listen to Thriller and [ugh, rough air] Off the Wall over and over.
I was worshiping Young and Dylan ... Mer loved Jackson. 


Anyway.

Beautiful Boy(s)

It took me only two nights to start and finish David Sheff's Beautiful Boy. I cried most of the second, that being last night, and it is sticking with me. More than anything, for a mother of two delicious boys, it is a gut wrenching book not simply about crystal meth addiction, but rather the paralyzing fear that no matter what you do you cannot keep your babies safe.

Harrowing. Being a parent on a day to day basis is more about routine and consistency and then along comes a book like Beautiful Boy that reminds you that underneath nursery school, play dates and snuggling up for books before bed, is an electric current hum buzzing "all is not predictable." One week it is staples in the head to close a wound, next week Motrin for the fever ... but honestly, when they go off and are faced with choices whose consequences are literally life or death, as Sheff excruciatingly details, there is so little you can really do to predict the outcome. 

Control is something that governs discrete portions of my life. High performing at work, relentlessly demanding the best for my kids, devouring research and news both personal and professional, yet struggling to get to the gym, enjoying too much cheese and wine and forever seeking balance. I know we have a predisposition for addiction  somewhere swimming in the soup of our gene pool. The boys are still so young but I know I will look up from my routine life and they will be at risk, put there by the very nature I have worked so hard to create in them: curiosity, confidence and creativity ... and I will reflect on Sheff's experience, hopefully, and do what I can to safely scaffold my own Beautiful Boy(s) as they seek to explore and escape routines and predictability. Gulp. 

Ring Ring

How did we blow each other off before email? When I started as a working journalist, even as an intern 1992 for PrimeTime Live, we dialed and dialed the phone, hoping to catch the target answering our call by mistake, if they were indeed dodging us. I knew what time of day to call to get someone, or once caller id came out, I would dial from a phone with a blocked name. If I got through the call could be hostile at worst or awkward at best but it built great phone skills and taught me to dance as fast as I could!

In this day of email, more than 15 years later, I am working with philanthropists who despite their best intentions are harder to reach than a news magazine bad guy. One thing has changed the game significantly and that is email. We say the tough things electronically, we say everything and nothing depending on the recipient.  We read into jotted lines what we most want to see ... sometimes I really miss that ambush call.

Routines

I blog like I workout, floss or drink water. When I do it, I feel better, am dedicated and filled with a sense of satisfaction at fulfilling something that I set out to do. WHEN I do it ... is key.