#trust30 Today's Prompt

To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, that is genius. – Ralph Waldo Emerson 

What is burning deep inside of you? If you could spread your personal message RIGHT NOW to 1 million people, what would you say?

After a long day at work, putting the kids to bed and settling in over a glass of wine to consider this prompt I would shout in a silent scream, as not to wake the kids, I CANNOT DO IT ALL! And then I would qualify it by saying, or shouting, BUT THAT'S OK! Because it is. And the pressure to be the best working mom in the world, ok, on the block, is crushing me. I am class rep at the nursery school, a half marathoner, a partner in a small firm, a fun-loving but rule-enforcing mom, a bestfriendslashwife, a sisterfriendpartnerincrime and I am ok at all of them at any given time and great at each for fleeting but magical moments.

I live for the moments. I live for the magic. I am well on my way to 40 and am just beginning to understand what someone once said to me: we are all juggling balls but luckily they are not glass, we will drop them but they will bounce, not shatter.

That time and once again I'm bouncing around the room.

Time

Time has been flying lately. Work has taken on a life of its own. It feels great, but hectic.

The kids are so big.

Gone are the hours of introspection and blogging, now I am just lucky to string 140 characters together.

I am so behind on this blog, my other blog, the running associated with said blog.

I have another half marathon in September, so I will start officially training for it in June.

The not so lazy days of summer await.

Erev Day 66

Here I am on day 65 of my 66 days of looking very closely at my diet, exercise and general habits. I eat better, I drink less and unless I am traveling for work or on vacation, I work out 6 days a week. I do something to push myself almost every day and feel badly if I don't.

On the subject of feeling badly, the only thing that feels crummy, other than occasional muscle soreness, is the time away from my boys. In order to get to work out, I have to leave before they get up and often have work things or am forced (by work mostly) to exercise at night missing bedtime.

It's a bad feeling to talk to your child on the phone when you slept in the same house as them but did not see them awake. I just can't think of any other way to do it. I am so happy to have lost 15 lbs in the last 65 days and am working hard towards another 10 - 15 lbs until I am at a healthy BMI and am set to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I only regret sometimes the toll it takes on all three of my boys. Tom is often left alone with them so that I can work out. The benefits are for everyone, including him, that I am healthy, but I can't help feeling a little guilty.

Perhaps it is just a sad day for me. I miss my boys but not the old me, and I like these muscles that are forming and the endurance I have been building. I guess it is a trade off. I was not fat and happy, so something's gotta give.

I keep telling Max as soon as he is old enough, he can come running with me.

Beautiful Boy(s)

It took me only two nights to start and finish David Sheff's Beautiful Boy. I cried most of the second, that being last night, and it is sticking with me. More than anything, for a mother of two delicious boys, it is a gut wrenching book not simply about crystal meth addiction, but rather the paralyzing fear that no matter what you do you cannot keep your babies safe.

Harrowing. Being a parent on a day to day basis is more about routine and consistency and then along comes a book like Beautiful Boy that reminds you that underneath nursery school, play dates and snuggling up for books before bed, is an electric current hum buzzing "all is not predictable." One week it is staples in the head to close a wound, next week Motrin for the fever ... but honestly, when they go off and are faced with choices whose consequences are literally life or death, as Sheff excruciatingly details, there is so little you can really do to predict the outcome. 

Control is something that governs discrete portions of my life. High performing at work, relentlessly demanding the best for my kids, devouring research and news both personal and professional, yet struggling to get to the gym, enjoying too much cheese and wine and forever seeking balance. I know we have a predisposition for addiction  somewhere swimming in the soup of our gene pool. The boys are still so young but I know I will look up from my routine life and they will be at risk, put there by the very nature I have worked so hard to create in them: curiosity, confidence and creativity ... and I will reflect on Sheff's experience, hopefully, and do what I can to safely scaffold my own Beautiful Boy(s) as they seek to explore and escape routines and predictability. Gulp. 

monday, monday

As evidenced by the mohawks ... little buddy had a nice overnight with his cousin, and we had a heavenly weekend ... pizza by firelight, impressionists at the Clark, massages, reading, fancy dinner by firelight, napping, breakfast overlooking a duck pond. Just what we needed.

Max got into The Mandell School

10 schools, tours, applications (and their fees), interviews, recommendations, open houses ... and it is over and we got our first choice. Little Max is going to Mandell. We are soooo thrilled.