Business Travel

I have a moment or several hours as the case is, as I fly across the country to San Fran for business. I know I should spend this time writing, luxuriating, relishing my "me" time but tonight I am a little sad. I miss the boys a lot. 
I know I'll land and get in the zone, get my game face on and focus. But ...
Right now am watching "This Is It" the Michael Jackson movie, after a false start of the Time Traveler's Wife (which was just not as good as the book, even in the first 5 mins,) and feeling a little down.
My sister LOVED M.J. I remember that, as a child, she had this red leather zipper covered jacket and would listen to Thriller and [ugh, rough air] Off the Wall over and over.
I was worshiping Young and Dylan ... Mer loved Jackson. 


Anyway.

Beautiful Boy(s)

It took me only two nights to start and finish David Sheff's Beautiful Boy. I cried most of the second, that being last night, and it is sticking with me. More than anything, for a mother of two delicious boys, it is a gut wrenching book not simply about crystal meth addiction, but rather the paralyzing fear that no matter what you do you cannot keep your babies safe.

Harrowing. Being a parent on a day to day basis is more about routine and consistency and then along comes a book like Beautiful Boy that reminds you that underneath nursery school, play dates and snuggling up for books before bed, is an electric current hum buzzing "all is not predictable." One week it is staples in the head to close a wound, next week Motrin for the fever ... but honestly, when they go off and are faced with choices whose consequences are literally life or death, as Sheff excruciatingly details, there is so little you can really do to predict the outcome. 

Control is something that governs discrete portions of my life. High performing at work, relentlessly demanding the best for my kids, devouring research and news both personal and professional, yet struggling to get to the gym, enjoying too much cheese and wine and forever seeking balance. I know we have a predisposition for addiction  somewhere swimming in the soup of our gene pool. The boys are still so young but I know I will look up from my routine life and they will be at risk, put there by the very nature I have worked so hard to create in them: curiosity, confidence and creativity ... and I will reflect on Sheff's experience, hopefully, and do what I can to safely scaffold my own Beautiful Boy(s) as they seek to explore and escape routines and predictability. Gulp.