thud thud ... thud thud

There is nothing sweeter than the sound of my baby's heartbeat from inside of me. Almost makes me feel [gasp] religiously inspired.

We are public ... it's going to be another boy!

stop it please

Max has started saying, "stop it, please" which sounds like shtop it pleash ... and maybe I should listen. In my efforts not to stop, I have ended up with bronchitis, which had me on azithromycin, which gave me stomach cramping and diarrhea, which then produced spotting at ten weeks pregnant. The spotting has stopped and I see my OB tomorrow, but man, STOP IT PLEASE. 

I worked from home today, and napped for two hours, no drugs, no ear plugs, none of my usual aids. Window shades open and construction noise from across the street and I slept the deepest sleep, I had trouble waking up... seems it is time to listen to my body, which seems to be screaming ... stop it please.  

sick, again

it has been a while since I had the flu, but now I am faced with a cold, sore throat and fatigue. Gonna sleep it off today ... once I get off this stupid computer!

I did it! Got up and did 25 mins on the elliptical. Day 2, better than day one ... still not triathlon material, but in my condition... feelin' alright ...

Had my first session with my new elliptical trainer this morning and wow, I am out of practice. I guess you have to start somewhere and there has to be a day 1.

perfect songs pt 2

perfect circle - rem

needle and the damage done - neil young

as - stevie wonder

been listening to my ipod on the way to work, it's a shuffle, so I never know what is next and it is magic when the best stack up like planes on the runway. 

perfect songs

Tangled up in blue - dylan
Hallelujah - buckley doing cohen

changing tides

I used to be the girl who walked into the bar and the bartender would shout out, "your regular?" and a glass of blackbush on the rocks would be waiting for me. I drank hard, played hard and managed to get an ivy league degree.

Times have changed as evidenced by my experience this morning...

I walked into the GNC Smoothie bar and the "bartender" called out past the several women gathered waiting, "your regular?" and there appeared my peanut butter suprise, with chocolate soy milk and no smoothie powder (it adds a huge chunk of calories and you don't miss it.) It occurred to me that I am older, a mother of one with another on the way and it has been a long time since I drank Irish whiskey in a smoky bar, you can't even smoke in bars anymore. So what if my drink of choice has the word surprise in it. I am still recognizable by my beverage and somehow that makes me happy.

Balance is Out: Chapters are In.

...people live life more as a series of chapters. For example, he just had a slow period, where he spent more time with his family, and now the busy season is starting and that is going to be a different chapter. “Some people,” he said, “try for balance every day or every week, but I can't do that. That's not achievable for me. What is achievable is chapters.”

from a brilliant post on one of my fav blogs:

http://www.mommytrackd.com/Balance-Is-Out

I am so tired

The tired where you want to slam your head against a wall...
The tired where you are short with your two year old ...
The tired where you might just skip dinner and go to sleep ...

My acupuncturist says it takes a lot of energy to do what my body is doing...

... 6 more weeks of it.

SHHHHHH

I have a secret...

lists, anxeity

I am making lists; lists of Max's food, needs, clothes, sleep; lists of packing to dos; lists of work to dos; ways not to be anxious, ways to be anxious, ways to sleep, ways not to sleep... the world will go on without me.. list or none.

Oh, and by the way, it is day 29 of my cycle, negative pregnancy test this morning but no period. Would be nice to know before I take off for Israel...

I am roasting...

red bliss potatoes in olive oil and sea salt. Everyone should have such a simple moment... the kitchen is warm, my nanny left early for Good Friday so Max and I chased the dinosaurs at the AMNH and came home to our dinner, (breakfast for dinner!) bath, bedtime routine. Now I await T's arrival home from work, making our dinner, drinking pinot grigio, snacking on Pennsylvania Dutch pretzels and piave vecchio, cooking tandoori chicken breasts and the aforementioned potatoes. Mellow, domestic and calm. The house is silent, save the drone of CNN on the TV, low enough not to understand, just to offer company.  Needed to stop and chronicle this moment of red bliss. 

Measure This!

"If we really want to do work that makes a difference...then we have to know whether it's working. And if you really do it well, you don't only want to know what works; you want to know how it works." -- Rockefeller Foundation president Judith Rodin ("For Good,Measure." New York Times Magazine 3/09/08)

Just not so sure how I feel about this ... the pro-measurables movement often makes me nervous. I have been in the identity building field and have been asked to assess success for donors and it is very hard, bordering on junk science. Yet, have been told that it is better to make it up than say that we don't know. I do not believe that. Some things defy the ruler, some things just are transformative without needing statistics.

Poem for South African Women

Our own shadows disappear as the feet of thousands

by the tens of thousands pound the fallow land

into new dust that

rising like a marvelous pollen will be

fertile

even as the first woman whispering

imagination to the trees around her made

for righteous fruit

from such deliberate defense of life

as no other still

will claim inferior to any other safety

in the world

The whispers too they

intimate to the inmost ear of every spirit

now aroused they

carousing in ferocious affirmation

of all peaceable and loving amplitude

sound a certainly unbounded heat

from a baptismal smoke where yes

there will be fire

And the babies cease alarm as mothers

raising arms

and heart high as the stars so far unseen

nevertheless hurl into the universe

a moving force

irreversible as light years

traveling to the open eye

And who will join this standing up

and the ones who stood without sweet company

will sing and sing

back into the mountains and

if necessary

even under the sea:

we are the ones we have been waiting for.

from Passion: New Poems, 1977-80, by June Jordan

monday, monday

As evidenced by the mohawks ... little buddy had a nice overnight with his cousin, and we had a heavenly weekend ... pizza by firelight, impressionists at the Clark, massages, reading, fancy dinner by firelight, napping, breakfast overlooking a duck pond. Just what we needed.

Max got into The Mandell School

10 schools, tours, applications (and their fees), interviews, recommendations, open houses ... and it is over and we got our first choice. Little Max is going to Mandell. We are soooo thrilled.

let it all collapse, let the ceiling fall down

A friend emailed me the above in response to my accounts of the flu... I love this. So I have, and I am feeling quite a bit better today. Still have not eaten since the great stomach revolt last night, have some soup to try later. T brought me my fav chicken corn from Shun Lee. Might actually venture out today ... need more Gatorade.

depressed

I have not left my house since Friday at noon. I am sick and we are supposed to go away this coming weekend, just the two of us. This flu is kicking my ass, and speaking of, I just tried to eat for the first time in days other than chicken broth and the stomach part of the flu kicked in. I could cry. I hate being sick. I am so frustrated. WAAAAA!

Flu

T got a flu shot, darling son got a flu shot ... guess who did not make time to get a flu shot. Back to bed... 

sick, again

This time, fever of 102, coughing, sweating, chills ... but once again I thank G-d that I am not a single mother. My sweet husband has taken our son out for a day of errands and adventure, and I am off to bed for the duration. I don't know how you do this alone, I really don't.

Out of body

Sometimes, I read my own bio to see if I am real ... it seems hard to believe.

pins and needles

I went for acupuncture yesterday and it was amazing. Kimberly focuses on fertility and she is amazing. My co-worker recommended her. Wow. I cannot wait until next week. I feel amazingly relaxed.

1 in 4 chance

Day 1, Cycle 4... my gyn said you have a one in four chance of getting pregnant each cycle. That should mean that this month will be our month. We'll see.

Chicken Little

Ok, I am never the one to buy jugs of bottled water or candles but ...

Feb. 22 (Bloomberg) -- A winter storm is dumping an unexpected amount of snow on the northeastern U.S. today, causing delays of as much as seven hours at major airports in the New York City region and snarling travel along the East Coast.

New York City and parts of Connecticut and New Jersey may get as much as 9 inches (23 centimeters) of snow before it changes over to a mixture of freezing rain, snow and sleet in the afternoon, according to the National Weather Service. Earlier forecasts called for as little as 1 inch of snow in the city.

Thankful my Fresh Direct order is on its way :)

What a diference a day makes ...

We are getting away for a weekend 3/7-9. Baby boy is going to my brother and my parents. We are going here.

It is a light at the end of my everyday tunnel. We need some alone time... love my son, but miss my husband.

I am very cranky today. The pessimist in me says PMS. The optimist says sometimes we all have days like this ... even in Australia.

My nanny

Thinks I am pregnant. Says I have a glow. I think it is because I had a great facial on Friday. Only time will tell. 

Class Act

The aforementioned She had her last day today. She was gracious and classy. It was none the less awkward and I am glad the day is over but it could have been worse. I would love to get a drink, but have no one to go with and wonder if I should just go and have a glass of wine, read my book and await my meeting at 6 pm somewhere near the location. Hmmm...

She

quit. They made me the bad cop. And she quit. And I feel empty and wrong but somehow know it was better that she did. And now I sleep fitfully and make to-do lists and know that she quit, so that I was not over her shoulder. That really sucks.

For CW

One Art
by Elizabeth Bishop
The art of losing isn't hard to master; so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster. Lose something every day. Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent. The art of losing isn't hard to master. Then practice losing farther, losing faster: places, and names, and where it was you meant to travel. None of these will bring disaster. I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or next-to-last, of three loved houses went. The art of losing isn't hard to master. I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster, some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent. I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster. --Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident the art of losing's not too hard to master though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Gathering String

From time to time the non-profit secular world neatly entwines with the Jewish philanthropic sector ... I picked this one up on my morning Google alert ...

The first venture philanthropist

Deeply funky ...

I need a vacation or a change of scenery. This is where we spent our honeymoon... and where I would like my ashes to be scattered. And where I would like to be now ... right now.

Truth ...

I love GNC Peanut Butter Surprise smoothies at 310 calories and 3.0 grams of fat. They are amazing ... so amazing that I have trouble believing the listed calorie and fat info. Mind you, that does not stop me ... yummy.

Also I must admit that I bought a box of the Hollywood Diet chocolate chip cookies. Yesterday I ate one as lunch and one as a snack. They are so funny! I feel so 1970's but whatever ... who can refuse the concept of eating cookies to lose weight?

Diet

So I went to the doctor for strange pelvic pain, had a sonogram and nothing ... and it has resolved. The unfortunate/but necessary by-product of the ordeal, I got on a scale for the first time in months. WOW... so now I am on a diet. Can't help thinking my fertility is compromised by my fat. And then I am scared of dropping too much weight at one time, as I am want to do... it is all or nothing with me, for fear of also impacting the chances that I get pregnant. So here I am in fertility purgatory. I've lost a few lbs since Monday - like 3 ish - and already feel better. I have not started exercising, I stopped drinking during the week and yes, I am planning to take a day off for super bowl ... wings, beer, etc ... not so good for the diet.

I am going to try to get out and run in the mornings ... once it gets a little lighter out... and grab a yoga class... start slow and hopefully get knocked up!

Calgon ...

I could have sworn today was Wednesday... a dear friend sent me pics from her vacation to Punta Mita, Mexico. I wish I could get away!

Perfect ...

1. Skinny jeans/genes
2. Clean laundry/house/child/nails/hair/shirt
3. Praised & Valued at work/home/family/self
4. Friends & Laughter
5. Sleep/Health
6. 3 day work week/long weekends with Son/Sun

Must be Monday.

Two reasons

to live in NYC... one, I am waiting for the bodega on 96th & WEA to deliver me cold meds... two, if I changed the name of my blog to Ovulation Cycles... it might be read. Day 2 Cycle 3, Btw.

lunch

Had lunch with two friends from two jobs ago today ... one was me, as in , I lured her from TV into Outward Bound ... I left and she stayed. I miss public school ed reform. I love what I do, but I miss having a concrete mission ... I don't miss raising money. Boy, I don't. It was good to see them. I think I was bad at that job, mostly because I know SO much more now then I ever did then. The lack of knowledge is startling. Malpractice, practically. 

Happy Birthday Elizabeth

This morning I awoke to an e-invitation to my birthmother's 50th birthday party. Just a reminder of how if you do the math, and I am 34 ... that she was 16 when she brought me into this world. Amazing.

The cruelest words ...

When you wish upon a star ...

So last entry, I wished for spa ... and I awoke Sunday to orders from my husband to get dressed and be ready to go by 9:15 am. He had booked the following for me at the Chopra Spa (Deepack, Baby!):

Vishesh (vi-shesh) Treatment
A powerful tension relieving treatment, this invigorating choreographed massage incorporates classic Abhyanga therapy with deeper strokes to clear and detoxify the channels of circulation. The experience begins with light to medium pressure and then progresses to firmer, deeper, slower strokes designed to release physical and emotional toxins.

It was amazing ... after we had lunch at Landmark. What a perfect surprise to make up for a week from hell (bruised baby, sick nanny, husband out of town ...) if it were not for the perpetual cold I have been nursing, I would say life is perfect ... oh, and if I could only get pregnant.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day ....

and I'm feeling a little stuffy, like I am coming down with a cold. My husband comes home from his business trip tonight! Thank G-D!!!!!!

I need a little ... spaahhhh

Sometimes you wake up with puffy eyes ...

the kind you get from crying your eyes out all night, after a teenage romance falls apart. I did not cry ALL night, just for about 15 minutes while talking to my sister about my day. I had to drop my son at emergency day care since my nanny has a serious infection that has her laid up for  few days. It was the first time I had ever left him in a strange place with strangers and I spent the better part of the day worrying, taking advice on how best to cope and knowing intellectually that he was fine, that I was the child feeling left alone, not him. I picked him up at 5 pm, the appointed time, and yes, he was a little wild, disheveled and sleep deprived, but in one piece and did not want to leave! As I was packing him up, he fell. Not a little ooopsy fall, but went from standing and landed on his cheekbone on the edge of the cubbies. His face instantly blew up and went purple and red. I struggled to get out of the day care center to rapid inquiries (CYA) as to who was watching him when it happened. I WAS! A whole day of worrying and I was the problem! 

We rushed out onto 50th & 6th and of course there were no cabs at 5 pm ... there were a whole line of black cars waiting for the brokers from Lehman to come out and the dispatcher saw my panic and my son's face and marshaled a car.  The driver would not take any money as he discharged us at the pediatrician, so I had to force a $20 on him. Long story short, my little boy is horribly bruised, take a month to heal bruised, but nothing is broken. Except me, a little. I know these things happen, but last night, once he had gone to sleep, I called my sister and cried. Hard. Nose full of snot. Gasping for air. And now I have those eyes, the ones that say, I have not cried like that in years, only this time I know the heartbreak of seeing your son hurt will happen again and again, and I will have these eyes. 

I'm sad ...

Max skipped his nap today and went to sleep at ten to six. He usually goes to bed at 7:30 p so I missed seeing him! Also stressed that this will screw up his sleep the night before the big interview and had to be all "cool" about this with my nanny... not make her feel like she screwed up by skipping his nap. She knew I was pissed, kept emphasizing how much fun he was having at CMOM and she did not have the heart to make him go home and nap. I expect this first bit of sleep will be a nap and I will see him around 9 pm when I am well into my glass(es) of wine. I feel like a brat, but one) I really wanted time to play and two) he needed of all days for this to be a normal one so that he does not wake up a terror for the big nursery school interview. It is our first choice for pete's sake! Ugh... perhaps I am just practicing a little transference... I am stressed about this interview and he will likely wake up sunshiney and have a great day ... stay tuned.

Today, I am amazed at the balance ...

I got my son up, had a breakfast meeting, had a very energizing work conference call/meeting... all without coffee... and feel jazzed to power through the rest of the day. My office closes at 3 pm and I have a date with my post-partum doula. We check in every few months and it is always a joy to spend time with her. The weekend starts soon and although a chunk of it will be spent with my son at a nursery school playgroup/interview ... I am ready for family time. I am always hungering for nanny free, uninterrupted play by Friday. Bring it on!

sick sick sick

My son is sick, I am sick ... I hate this ... I  need a sick day, just to catch up on sleep and get better. I cannot afford to feel this crummy for more than 24 hours. Just won't work... and we have a nursery school interview on Sunday!!! Yikes.