Guest Blogger: BOGS

Charlie has an earache and I am exhausted but we hosted the Halloween party chronicled in our friend's blog. It is re-published here with permission. Enjoy!

Listening to the clock

Tonight I dined to the tick tock of the clock on the wall in our living room. I made a simple salad of arugula, olive oil, grana padano, sea salt and lemon juice. I read a magazine at the dining room table. When I was done, I took the time to empty the dishwasher and made a cup of tea to eat with chocolate covered goji berries. I did not drink alcohol, I did not play music, turn on the tv, check the blackberry or use the phone. I dined, read, and wondered if other people do this all the time.

It was nice, but remarkable enough and so uncommon in my life that I needed to capture it. Tom will be home soon but for a little while, with the lucky circumstance of sleeping boys, it was silent enough in my house to hear the clock tick tock.

List making so that I can focus on what I really need to do

While waiting for some feedback at work I have decided to make lists:

Things that are distracting me TODAY, maybe even just this moment, but here we go:

diapers.com storewide sales, electronic coupons and the fastest delivery ever
theminisocial.com one of those discount members only shopping sites but just high end kids brands
paperlesspost.com was introduced to this yesterday and have already sent out Charlie's birthday brunch invite and will send Max's birthday party invite out shortly.
@PopTech a friend consults for them and she is one of the smartest ladies I know ... it is no wonder ... they are web casting live right now
blueprintcleanse.com just finished my third yesterday and am carefully eating my way through today
tipsyparson.com cannot wait to go to friends and family tomorrow night at Julie's new place

Ok, back to work.

On being a full time mom

So due to my nanny having an injured back, I was a full time mom for the last two days. Of course the only way I have found time to reflect and blog on it, is that I am back to work today.

A couple of observations:

1) As I suspected, I am too type A to stay at home and not drive myself and my children crazy.

2) I can do many loads of laundry and yet the basket continues to self-fill, I swear!

3) There is no way that the SAHMs (Stay At Home Moms) sit around and eat bon-bons, I barely sat, let alone ate. Thank goodness our playdate yesterday came with a smart, lovely mother who brought sandwiches.

4) Max is delightful but reactionary; we need this age to pass.

5) I am delightful but reactionary; this ship has sailed.

Overall, it was empowering, challenging, exhausting and fun to be at home with the boys.

And boy, do I love this here desk ...

Home

Got in last night from Chicago where I attended a great conference. Charlie seems huge and I would know because I thought it would be a great idea to wake him when I got in at 10 pm. Silly mommy. He finally stopped crying around 11:45 pm and Max woke up at 5 am declaring that he was no longer tired and could he please have his light turned on and be provided a book. Um... really? Could I be anymore tired?

This afternoon our new nanny (who I love) took Charlie to his first solo music class while Max was in school. When she asked if she could make playdates with the other children, it took me time to process the fact that Charlie might like to have some friends of his own.

Poor second child with mad rhythm.

I am with you... you just put it better than I do xoxo

Now it can be told

We fired our nanny of 3.5 years. It was the right thing for Max and for our family. It feels so sad. I keep thinking about how she will have to go home to her two boys and share or hide from them that she does not have a job. We gave a large severance and will serve as a reference but I am so sad. I know in my intellectual compartment that this was the right thing, and hell, I know in my heart that what is right for Max it the first thing, always. She was graceful and sad. It was my husband's job to read the talking points I had written, I would have overcompensated.

Change is good. Change is hard.

Cloudy with chance of change ...

Blogging after a long while from aboard the red eye SFO to JFK.

I can't even really share what's going on until next week or so, save a few close friends, but we are once again on the cusp of change. No, I am not pregnant, or changing jobs, or getting divorced or moving (I think that covers most bases.) I am healthy and overall very lucky. But things are changing in a very important part of our life and I am NOT handling it well.

I've been on a great business trip to San Francisco, and when busy, have felt amazingly creative, empowered and really jazzed about my work. But when driving from meeting to meeting (boy I hate driving) the tough thoughts of the next week or so come crashing in and I feel violently insurmountable grief.

It reminds me of one of my most painful breakups as a young woman. Each morning I would awake in my dorm room and for fifteen or so seconds forget that the longtime love was over and then it would hit me in the gut, take my breath for a moment and the dark gray fog would engulf me.

As a grown woman who has so much to do other than wallow, the fog is now more like a passing cloud that covers the sun momentarily but leaves behind a chill. Like all things that are hard and involve deep change, this is going to get better and has the potential to be great for all of us.

I just need to manage the passing clouds a little bit better.

Happy Birthday to Me

Feeling more love than old today.

Thank you.

Happy Birthday, Charlie

Today is Charlie's 8 month birthday. Happy birthday angel-baby. You look at me with those blue eyes like I am the most wonderful thing you have ever seen, every morning! You are curious and strong, funny and snuggly, and patient and clear. I know babies transform from easy to challenging overnight but I have faith that the solid old soul that is rolling around inside of you will remain.

I worry, as I am want to do, that I am missing your early months, me with a new job, you with that big brother of yours, but want you to know that I love you and think about you all the time. I can't wait for our summer vacation when we can spend time letting the breeze tickle us and the sun kiss us and time embrace us.

Happy birthday, angel-baby.

Ouch.

I got on the treadmill for a half an hour yesterday and am in such pain today! Need to get back into WW; I get lazy and overeat, drink and skip the gym. And the thing is, I know I am happier when I'm in shape! It's just that the road to get there looks so different this time. I am doing the Blueprint Cleanse in two weeks; have booked mini training sessions at NYSC (half an hour so it s cheaper and I can shower and get back to work.) So now I need to find the resolve and the discipline to stick with this course of action.

There is no amount of money (not that there is much to spare) that will buy me resolve.

That darned 25%

Yet another person in my closer circle's marriage is dissolving. The sharing of this fact on Saturday night over many bottles of wine on a votive lit front porch in the leafy surrounds of Philadelphia with my husband and our dear friends prompted the following question:

What percentage of the time do you get it "right" in your marriage?

I struggled between low 70's to 75%. I know when I screw up, speak harshly, misplace frustration, bottle and blow up with anger, but I also know when I get it right. We laugh a lot more these days. The 3.5 year old is a handful and it is bringing out a lot of things in me that are not all flattering. The baby is golden and my savior. Jacob Harold of the Hewlett Foundation has spoken of the "silver standard" in regards to Nonprofit organizations striving for the “gold standard” of evidence-based research on outcomes and social impact whenever possible. When that’s impossible, however, they should aim for the “silver standard” of targeted organizational performance and proxy information. However wonky a way to look at one's marraige that is, it resonates. We would love to say that we are the "gold standard" of couples, but that would not be supported by the evidence.

I turn 36 next week, my roots have lost their dye, I still have a bunch of baby weight to drop (now 8 months later!) but for 75% of the time I feel a member of the closest, smartest crime fighting duo around. The other 25% of the time, I can be unkind to my best friend and I know it. It will be 8 years of marriage in September and the balance of our years together will be approximately 14 years. I've never been good at numbers but so far we are on the together side of the 50% of marriages end in divorce and holding strong.

And we’ll keep striving for that “silver standard” …

You are not alone ...

So Michael Jackson's passing reminded me how happy I am not to be in TV anymore. First, although sad that he died young leaving small children, I have felt largely agnostic about the whole event. Even my empathy button was left unpushed and I quietly began to ask close friends if they felt the same.

By and large, most folks liked his music, my sister had an obsession with Thriller, and I have fond memories of dancing around the bunk at sleepaway camp to Rockin Robin, but had no desire to watch the public grieving on TV. Pedophile or trapped in a golden cage, the life of MJ did not capture my attention so it is logical that the death would follow suit. I will admit one thing though; when the story first started to hit twitter, I was glued to feed, like I used to be to the AP wire at work,it was a creepy but familiar rush to see who would confirm the lead first, double sourcing and slamming it out.

And then I went home to the boys.

Roller Coaster

It feels like lately that things just ping pong back and forth between professional and personal highs and lows. I feel like every little glimmer of sun that breaks through the oppressive cloudiness we have had, sends another car on the track either climbing or tumbling. Tom is off to London on Sunday, work is great, Max is regressing in his potty training, I made it to spin, a work project came back from the printer screwed up, I might manage to get a haircut ... up and down ... here comes the sun ... uh-oh ... hang on for the next swing of the pendulum.

Balance: To maintain the center of gravity of a body within the base of support with minimal postural sway.

I am swaying like a palm tree in a storm ... look out.

Gripe Day/Gift Day

So it is not cute when glazed donut handed son uses the back of my dress as a napkin on the same day as my employee review, but to counter that gripe day, he did say "pardon me, I did not hear what you said," rather than "huh?" when he misheard me; gift day.

@change_for_iran

I've become a little obsessed with following the Iran elections on twitter. I have forgone all traditional news for it. I think that there is something in the immediacy that engages me, like when we used to get AP breaking news on the wire when I was in TV. A shred of news would come in a bullet and we would stay glued to AP Newscenter watching the story get confirmed and developed while working the phones for our own sourced news. It was a race to see who could confirm first, net vs net ... now there is no confirmation just first hand accounts. Twitter is not a source, per se, but rather color or lead generating... and it is damn addicitive.

Show me the $

I decided to monetize my blog, really only to see if anyone reads it.

Move move move

I barked like a drill sargent at Max while trying to get us to camp drop off in a monsoon, getting soaked through to my undies! Literally you might have taken one look at his mini camo raincoat and thought I had him in preschool boot camp! I am a mess but my pink hunter rain boots (a last min addition as I slipped off my heels thinking it might DRIZZLE) are keeping my feet dry, and the skirt will dry but yuck, this sucks. What a crap way to start the day.

The Scale

Weigh in day and I have that anxiety: I know I have lost lbs, I worked for it. Hard. But what if this is the lowest I get? I found an email xchange with a workout buddy from after max but before charlie where I hit my lowest weight since having my first baby. I am (if the scale @ ww agrees today) 14 lbs heavier than that and I had one child and a less demanding job! What if this is it? It won't be in reality if I work the program and exercise. But there is always that creeping doubt. 

Today is a day of exercise rest. Ran monday, spun yesterday. Need to figure out tomorrow. Weekend is spotty since we will be in Cornell for my husbands reunion but caring for two kids is it's own workout!

Well, I faced the scale and lost 2.8 lbs! That would be the .8 gain last week + 2 more!

What, is the whole world spinning?

I called 11 New York Sports Clubs surrounding my office and on the way home and could not get a bike! I am #3 on the waitlist here by the office and will go and try to snag a bike; with my broken elliptical at home, I am beginning to feel a karmic punishment on the exercise front. 

My run last night was magical, though, and my muscles not so happy today but the pain is temporary. No?

As Max likes to yell when I am pushing the stroller and about to enter a jogging interval, "go mommy go, run as fast as you can!" 

Friday Morning Commute

So in my efforts to blog more consistently I am penning this entry in the notepad of my blackberry while waiting for and riding the subway. Listening to the free coldplay download I heard about from coldplay themselves on twitter and I think back to the quote I read yesterday from the creator of firefox: most people spend more time with their browser than their families. It's an appropriate thought for friday in a working mom's life. By friday even in a holiday week I am ready to leave work behind and engage with my kids in a real way. 

This morning max asked if it was a mommy daddy day rather than a rhonda day. I had to tell him no. It made me sad. But we need the money but more importantly I need the career. I am more grounded in both halves of my life because of the duality of it. Where is the me half or the wife half? They get scheduled in and fight like hell to co-exist with the bullying work/kids duo. 

Nobody said this was going to be easy; but nothing compares to love of my big kid and the snuggles and huge smiles of the little one and they sustain the feast or famine rhythm of the week until yet another sacred weekend.

Got off the subway to a misty Bryant Park, looks like London... made me very nostalgic.

Bad Mommy Blogger

Been a long time, been to Vegas! Have not a memory of it... ok not true but might as well be. Just a quick note to say, Charlie is kinda sleeping through the night (7 p-5:45a) and work is great but it is summer and I just want to lie on the grass with the kids and count clouds. 

Where oh where have I been ...

Ok, so this amazing working mom and mother of twin boys blogs regularly, smartly and damn funnily (that a word?) so I guess it is time that I catch up on Morking Wom ... 

While I was away:

- got a new job: VP, Donor Networks, Seachangecap.org

- gave birth to Charlie

- discovered two are way more than one

- lost the weight I gained with Charlie; now am onto the 60 I gained with Max

Apartment construction completed, but now architect is saying we skimped on the door by 4 inches so we may have to refile!!! I hate the DOB!!! Hate, hate, hate - we don't say "hate" in front of Max so this feels so naughty...

Oh, Tom and I are going to VEGAS to see DMB and are leaving the boys behind ... I am living for this this trip ... new job starts 2/2 ... I think that is it. Off to weight watchers to weigh in and get rid of some of this baby bulge ... I have nice work clothes from a past life to fit into!